


Introspection: Garak

by Xenobotanist



Series: Introspection [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, POV Elim Garak, Pining, Pre-Slash, Self-Reflection, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:15:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenobotanist/pseuds/Xenobotanist
Summary: Inside Garak's head, set some time mid-series. A vignette.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak
Series: Introspection [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726831
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Introspection: Garak

He can’t go home, but he’s reluctant to make one here.

He could find peace, if only he could stand on true soil and breathe fresh air. He knows he wouldn’t have to deal with this claustrophobia if only he could _leave._

Every day is a struggle in a world that is immensely uncomfortable, surrounded by people who don’t understand him, and don’t care to.

He spends an inordinate amount of time lost in his own thoughts, where he can’t let go of the past. Mistakes haunt him. Memories creep in, sliding up next to what-ifs and what-might-have-beens.

Some days he hates himself. He’s been trained to be smarter, more patient, more stolid, more _disciplined_ than this. And yet he found himself addicted to that damnable implant and more than once turning to kanar when he couldn’t unwind on his own.

He yearns for sympathy, empathy, affection. And so he grasps for the slightest bit of acknowledgement, for contact. For touch. He invades the personal space of the one person who isn’t painful to speak with.

He’ll settle for sharing a lunch.

But what if he could have more?

No, must not think that. Sentiment is the greatest weakness of all. There’s no point in making friends when you’re going to leave them at the first given chance (the sooner the better). Why build trust when no one should have any reason to trust you, and it’s inevitable that you’ll betray them? So he pushes everyone away. Tells lies, tells truths, anything to paint him as a monster. It’s better this way. No one gets hurt this way.

And yet that doctor won’t stay away. He’s yelled at him, told him the worst stories he could think of, physically attacked him, nearly killed his friends, for goodness sake! More than once!

He knew the doctor was no fool; he’d demonstrated that time and again. Why did he continue to act like one? Befriending a spy? Certainly it wasn’t the best idea to dine weekly with someone who could kill you 4 different ways with a fork (and not get caught).

He did his best to keep his mind on other things: puzzles to keep his intellect sharp, designs for the clothing he tailored, seeing how many pages in a row from a specific novel he could memorize. But no matter what the topic, Dr. Bashir would work his way in: He’d relish deciphering that puzzle, he’d look marvelous in that jacket, he’d have definite _opinions_ on the pages that had been memorized. Even in Garak's imagination, the man wouldn’t leave him alone!

At night, he'd pay special attention to the details of his dinner. Read newscasts from various sources and compare the data. He’d practice exercises and meditations from his days at Bamarren. He’d meticulously groom his nails and scales. Anything to keep his thoughts occupied and firmly _away_ from… well, just away. In his weakest moments, he’d turn to a drink or a hypospray.

Because if he played over those lunches, if he recalled those laughing eyes in that expressive face, caramel skin like silk on fingers that touched him as they exchanged a novel via data rod…If he thought about that incredible and unbelievable optimism, the wit and humor, that true and tender heart…

Well, that wouldn’t do, would it?

It really was better this way.

**Author's Note:**

> Garak's character really develops towards the end of the series, so I'm thinking about following up with a second one set in season 6 or 7, or maybe after season 7.


End file.
